Speaking the Same Language: Learning Your Partner’s Neurodivergent Brain

Do you ever experience those moments in your relationship when you feel like you and your partner are literally speaking different languages? Well, you are not alone! This is one of the most common complaints I hear from couples, especially those who are neurodivergent. Now, you may be wondering what exactly “neurodivergent” means so to put it simply, it means that there is a divergence of what is considered to be a normal mental function in the brain. I personally dislike the word “normal” so let’s just categorize it as unique ways certain brains work. This term has been widely used in describing symptoms of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism spectrum disorder (ASD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), dyslexia, and many more. However, neurodivergence exists without any type of formal or informal diagnosis. 

In couples counseling, one of the main issues relational therapists work on with their clients is communication. This is already complicated enough without adding extra layers of complications, i.e. neurodivergent brains. So how do we solve this complicated and nuanced issue? We start at the very beginning…learning about your partner in this new, fascinating context. The number one thing I ask of my couples during this process is to STAY CURIOUS! Through counseling, Sally’s annoying habit of forgetting appointments and always being late are now recognized as fixable symptoms of executive dysfunction due to undiagnosed ADHD. Having this knowledge, John can now have more empathy around this problem that has bothered him for years and help find solutions that can help her. Neurodivergence of any kind is frequently fought against with shame and guilt. Many adults are ashamed of these “quirks” that have often been labeled as bad behavior, laziness, rigidity, or selfishness. In these moments, we need our partners to have empathy and understanding.